Democracy Dies in Darkness

Carolyn Hax: Spouse is aware of husband’s affair and ‘not really bothered by it’

A letter writer claims not to care that husband, who “pushed hard to go to counseling,” is now cheating with a colleague.

3 min
(Illustration by Nick Galifianakis for The Washington Post)
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Carolyn Hax is away. The following first appeared Oct. 8, 2010, and has been lightly edited.

Dear Carolyn: My husband is having an affair. I have many forms of proof, and did not need to search that hard. She works in the same company. I’m not surprised; he was texting her while we were on vacation with my family. I have not confronted him yet.

Instead of his actually owning up to it, I’m expecting him to say, “Well, can you blame me?” He has pushed hard to go to counseling. I have agreed and told him to set up the appointment, but he has not.

Sadly, I’m not really bothered by it. But if it begins to affect our children, there will be hell to pay. I have several copies of emails over the past six months, including one where he calls my family pathetic. I’m not sure what he based that on, except they are mostly intellectuals and he feels inferior. That bothers me more than the affair itself.

I’m sure he thinks I am unaware. The immature part of me just wants to say “gotcha.” Should I wait for counseling to bring this up so there is a witness there?

— Aware But Don’t Care

Aware But Don’t Care: Surely you don’t mean to suggest that your raging contempt for your husband hasn’t affected your children?

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