Dear Sahaj: I dread traveling across the country for my elderly mother’s upcoming significant birthday because my mother clings onto me and sobs, which makes me feel uncomfortable, embarrassed and annoyed. My mother and sister act as if they “own” me, and it is one reason I moved all the way across the country many years ago. It has been made clear to me (by my sister) that others consider me “cold.” Mostly, I am happily living my life without the drama and emotional hijacking that my mother inflicts. She is not mean, but she is clingy, and weeps even when I phone her. I have committed to traveling to celebrate her birthday, but the expectations, judgments and attempts at emotional hijacking have already started.
Column by Sahaj Kaur Kohli
My mother lost her husband (my stepfather) two years ago, and she still openly mourns him as a widow, wearing black, etc. He was a mean alcoholic and emotionally abusive to me, my mother and others. I did not speak to him for many years, and I did not mourn his passing. I understand that my mother is emotionally fragile, and I don’t want to make it worse, but I honestly don’t know how I can rise above it all. I just want to be present, help celebrate and be kind, but I am worried that all of the drama will cause me to feel self-protective, and fulfill this impression that I am cold.
How can I preserve my autonomy and dignity under this scenario?
— Hijacked
Hijacked: When people are set on misunderstanding you, like your mom and sister, there isn’t much you’re able to do to change their mind. You’re left with two choices: Pretend things are fine and go with it during the visit, or find ways to protect your own wellness and potentially be perceived as cold. Pretending is no longer tenable given how affected you are by your mom and family dynamics.
I would encourage you to be radically honest with yourself about why you want to go home (and even more, why you are maintaining a certain relationship with your mom at all). This isn’t to suggest you shouldn’t be, but it may clarify if you are in the relationship purely out of obligation or if there are parts of the relationship that are salvageable. I think a professional can be a good resource to help you sift through these feelings and motivations.
You can’t control how “fragile” or “clingy” your mom is, but you can control how you engage, or disengage, with her. When you’re not visiting, you can create a routine where you talk to her once a week or once a month so she can expect it, while also giving you structure to prepare for these conversations. For the visit home, prepare for known triggers so you can have plans in place regarding how to handle them. This may look like excusing yourself to go to another room when your mom is clinging to you, or telling her, “I want to be here for you, but I’m not comfortable when you hold on to me like this.” Or even having a frank conversation with your sister (if this is realistic) about what you both may need when you’re home to support each other.
